She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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