My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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