There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
