Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
