We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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