It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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