Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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