i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
