Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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