I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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