Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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