If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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