I'm so fucking centered right now
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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