haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Randomize
