so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
