So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
