Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
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