I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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