I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My bed smells like the plague
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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