nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
