thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
