Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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