we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
