i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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