Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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