here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
