Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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