It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize