Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
