Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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