im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize