Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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