im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
