You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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