I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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