Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
