OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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