I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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