Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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