i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
