your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
