dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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