can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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