i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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