woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
