I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
