I accidentally had phone sex last night
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
