i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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