I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
