how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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