I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
