I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
