May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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