Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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