Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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